World Elephant Day

Today is World Elephant Day. There are serious problems that elephants face as a species. It also means that we can indulge in watching videos on cute elephants online.

Unfortunately the news relating to elephants is not good. Their numbers have fallen by 62% in just 10 years. Worse still it is estimated that 100 African elephants are killed by poachers each and every day. This information is provided by the World Elephants Day site.

But it is not just African elephants that are in trouble. Asian elephants are also struggling too. There are now less than 40000 Asian elephants anywhere in the world. To put this in perspective, this represents only around 10% of the African elephant population.

It is not all bad news however. There is still hope according to National Geographic. The average number assigned as the Proportion of Illegally Killed Elephants (PIKE) fell below 5% in 2016. It has not done this since 2009. Below 5% means that the elephant population may well recover.

More good news. Prices of raw ivory in China has fallen by over 50% in the last couple of years. This fall could lead to a fall in demand for elephant poaching. This is according to Save the Elephants (STE).

World Elephant Day celebrates elephants and reminds everyone to support policies that help to conserve elephant populations. These policies include the prevention of illegal poaching, the suppression of the ivory trade, habitat conservation and help breeding captive elephants.

Home, Tears, Uncategorized

A life well lived

Not many of us are blessed to have a life as long and fullfilling as my Grandmother had. Not only did she live to be a hundred, but of those years, after her kids had grown and ‘flown the coop’ she continued to enjoy herself, taking holidays all over the place and visiting friends, taking life in its stride and not letting one thing hold her back.

As far as we could remember, my nan never got sick – she was the strongest (both physically and emotionally) woman we knew, and she did everything for herself. She was beautiful – so beautiful that it is said we all got our genes from her – oh and those legs – I have to tell you even in her nineties she had the most beautiful, strong, long, straight legs of any woman even half her age.

She was a trendy Cucu – none of those embarrassing moments with her grandkids – actually she was well travelled, well dressed, knowledgable and all, always groomed to perfection – even her house was neater than anyone else’s – her food immaculately cooked and served – her tea always hot and her cups never chipped. She cooked for herself and never, ever allowed anyone to go near her kitchen or utensils. I think through my Dad we have all inherited a little bit of my nan – especially the strength, the beauty, and the legs – yeah I have to emphasize the legs cos.. well, We girls in the Guess family are known for our legs..

I remember the last time I saw her – Dec 26, 2005. I went to visit her with my sister and we sat, had a cup of tea and chatted for a while. She took my hands in hers and said .. G kai weruhire atia wathii ruraya – (G, you have got lighter-skinned since you went abroad) and I had to tell her that that is what winters do for your melanin – although in not so many words. Even at that age, you would never lack a topic to talk with her – she had grown a bit frail and didnt travel around anymore, but she still did all her work – which was both sad and surprising cos to me she is the epitome of strength and I couldnt imagine her giving in to someone else taking over what is essentially her only hold to her stubbornness.

And boy was she stubborn – and that has been directly cascaded down to my dad and I – no question about that. The stubbornness, the independence, the strength of mind and the ability to be self-sufficient while drawing people together is my legacy from my grandmother.

Sadly, that spirit to live on and that tower of strength, that fire and that determination, was extinguished last Saturday Morning – 25th November 2006.

I know God has given you a lot more time than most
I know you have lived your life to the full
Utilised most of that time and seen your family grow
You have lived to see your children, grandchildren
Great grandchildren – and in some cases, even a level lower
Granddad has been waiting for you for the last 28yrs
Some of your children are up there too – so you will be fine
We will miss you down here but I believe they and God need you more up there
I will hold Dad’s hand, and see that he gets thru this ok
You did your part, you lived a good life – now its time to rest.
Rest in Peace Cucu
Your legacy will live on through us
May God look after you till we meet again…
G xxx


Its a bug’s life

(And it’s MY War)

Claimer: If you don’t like creepy crawlies, stay out of this page for now
Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily kill insects/’things’ when they are in my vicinity, only when they threaten my sanity and health – not necessarily in that order – but when they are in my bedroom and within the vicinity of my bed, then they have crossed the line – literally – They are warned 
Diss-Claimer: I refer to things as ‘him/he’ when I can not genderise it – don’t make me qualify/quantify my statement. It just is. Find me a man who calls his car Jamie or Oliver (nothing to do with the Naked Chef, mind – although dudes might buy into the whole ‘naked’ and ‘chef’ and draw their own conclusions – I am banking/baking on that to neutralise/naturise this bit – geddit?)

If you have lived outside Kenya (or a tropical country for that matter) for a while, or longer than a while – you forget about nature in its entirety. And that is just in your mind/world. Then one day you turn up, set up shop home and continue to live happily ever after. What you never put into consideration as part of the happy medium is that nature, (and it’s elements) doesn’t really report to you. You may have envisioned that the world was at your feet, but you forgot to look past the tiled floors and the painted ceiling. You forgot to look at who else owned the world apart from you!

A quote I heard the other day rings so true (don’t know by whom though):

We own the land, but nature owns the world

Hence why I have been hop skip and jumping around trying not to scream out loud cos by golly, there are enough ‘things’ living with me to consider mi casa a crowded house’

Lets look at them in no particular order (might be chronological by when they made their presence felt)


Having lived in a ‘cold’ place in my formative years, I never came across this abomination – and having moved to a more ‘colder’ (literally and figuratively) place – they are considered the plague of the world. Now, they ‘own’ mi casa. I have tried everything, even negotiating with them to just bite without the noise, cos that buzzing does do my head in – but they insist on singing for their dinner – literally. I am lucky that I have never had Malaria cos at the rate they are eating, damn, I should die of anaemia/blood loss before Malaria. Good thing I am used to blood donation eh?

Hairy Caterpillars
(or whatever them things that have hairs and give you a rash when you touch them are called)

One day I see something on my wedgy shoes – and I walk over and there is this hairy thing just lounging. All the hairs on my body stand on edge (pun hereby acknowledged) cos I hadn’t seen one of those since my teens. I proceed to whack his backside (yes, that is the only way I could kill the dude, seeing as I couldn’t happily ask him to turn over so I could see his underbelly or something, mind) to death. Two days later I see same relative (family specie) in my bedroom and I whimper. Dude comes over and asks what’s creeping (ok, ok, I had to do that one) and I point (Words please don’t fail me now ) He reassures me – or rather hisself cos I was not being swayed – that they are harmless and proceeds to pick the ‘thing’ up and take it outside. I so wish I had his courage cos I woulda been screaming to high heaven. I still hate them and there have been a few sightings around. EEEEEEEWWWWW

Geckos (Or something in that family)

I always see one of them tiny cute transparent green ones somewhere on the wall. I am not afraid of them but they just hang (LOL you didn’t make me do that one) around doing nothing for days – then one day if you scare them they just sprint to the end of the room and hang around again. Pretty cute I would say – but still non-paying roomies. And it’s even cuter when T, my canine best friend, barks to high heaven trying to either scare or eat one. LOL that baby is demented for sure.

Roaches (And big ones at that)

I haven’t lived with roaches for a very long time – actually the last roach I saw was in Boston, US – and I mean a colony, not an individual roach. Then here there was a drain blockage and when it was cleared… drum roll.. giant roaches.. I mean the size of your pinkie or your big fingered (sausages… I said it) friend’s pinkie. And apparently they fly.. Jeeez. Anyway, of late they have been climbing up the drain and visiting. Or maybe they live here and they are trying to remind me of same. I am creeped out literally by roaches. They are the eeewwwest things around – but they own their part of the world and I should respect that. What I cannot respect is why they are in my bathroom and by extension my bedroom. I can forgive anything anywhere in my home as long as the bedroom doesn’t come into it.

Guys, this is WAR.

I saw one yesterday when I was going about my business in the bathroom and I walked over and stepped on him. I had jogging bottoms and I couldn’t find him after the first strike or under my slippers. Can you bet on how fast I got them jogging bottoms out? They are still quarantined (the bottoms, not the errant ‘dead’ roach) and being inspected on a regular basis. Talk about contamination/Quarantine-ation 


(Them WFI – Winged Flying Insects – Wasps or whatever thingies that just buzz around that look like ‘Copters)

When it’s hot – which is often – they just make their presence known. The other day I saw one, and I killed him. Then there was another – and I killed him too. Thereafter, there was one that went to the dead ones and pretended to be part of the dead, and inspected the corpses. I looked over and I thought that the dead had moved, which is in itself unusual. Then he flew around – and sealed his fate. I chased and killed the fella – and closed the windows. I hate WFO or UFI’s that just invade your casa and creep you out, and if they cant find their way out of said casa, then I will make them find a way to the next FO world pronto.

By extension Wasps, Bumble/Bees, Flies etc that buzz around my head or in the room and they can’t find their way out are on their way out if I have my way. Find your way out if you can, but if you find your way into my impatience, then you find your way into the next Buzz World – with no apologies.

Mouse (Singular)And not the one you’re clicking on right about now))

I personally don’t have anything against mice (or by extension rodents). I actually like them as long as they don’t eat my books and clothes (They can have food if they so wish, and can get to it). But there is no memo that you send to them rodents to caution them against said restrictions. I have a mouse – singular I might add. When I did put a mousetrap on, it disappeared – but I bet he is hanging around somewhere here. He used to come into my bedroom and run straight out – betting there was nothing to eat there (apart from my poor old toes, and that is by God out of the question, even for tropical mice) and not wanting to have a good ol’ chat about life as a human/mouse. But, he has free reign as long as no books or clothes are nibbled – then I would have to wage a war on him too. And he is rather cute.

Nguyas (don’t know English or Scientific name)

Those flying insects (ants) that come out during rainfall – and promptly die cos their wings are so light – and their bodies are left walking around looking for food or whatever. What do those things eat anyway? Insects LOL

Anyway, of late there has been quite some rain, and matope notwithstanding and hiked fares and pools of water all over the land, (oh and flooding for people down coast and Eastwards) Nguyas are a menace that is driving me down the dumps. On their own they aren’t harmful, but wake up in the morning and their wings are littered everywhere – and I mean everywhere. Oh and sometimes, when you leave a window open, they will crawl in, find the nearest light and continue to flutter and fall, flutter and fall, until that time when their wings break they are stuck under something they cant crawl from under, or a certain G decides she has had enough of the fluttering and smacks it one with an object, and here comes doom (not the insecticide, although that might work – if I wasn’t allergic to such smelly stuff – but Kingdom Come of insects)


These I dont necessarily get to see but you sure as heck will hear their chirping from any part of the world if you listen closely enough.

Oh and last but not least:

Frogs (and their off-spring :D )

With the onset of rains, there has been a few puddles around – but there is a fairly huge one round the corner that has got a school of croakers decorating the night with sounds. Havent seen this lot but I wouldnt need to be both blind and deaf to actually not acknowledge them.

Now all I need is a tent and some hicking boots (oh wait, I have got my Timbalands on today, ;) although they are Nike to boot :) ) and I’m off to commune with nature. Or better yet just get back home and I am a jungle kid. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….


Gripe II – Power

I am aware that most of you know about the power problems in Kenya – and especially Nairobi – well, sorry but status quo still reigns supreme. I personally feel that power is as common in Kenya as the bulb going on in our esteemed fossils mental faculties – very rare, intermittent and not very bright.

I have said more than once that I am afraid of the dark – totally. So being here does nothing to alleviate my phobia. Needless to say I have found myself alone in the house, in the dark, frightened to my painted toes and absolutely livid. What is even worse is that power tends to go out on Sunday at 7pm – you can set your watch by it :( – and when you wake up in the morning you can bet the microwave will be asking for a time reset – I do that a hundred times a week.

I still dont get it! We have had electricity in Kenya as long as we have had… er…. I dont know – William ole Ntimama :D – but still KPLC cannot sort itself out. Not to mention that when I got my bill it was billed for the consumption up to the 29/09/06 and had to be paid up by the 30/09/06 – the bloody cheek of those yahoos (yes, I am aware of the 14day grace period, so there). If we are still paying our bills (and on time too) and the customers have increased exponentially in the years, the technology has massively improved and oh.. I am assuming the knowhow of the people in KPLC has also evolved more than… lets see… Njenga Karume .. another of our fossils of power.. Why oh why can they not sort out their equipment and all other stuff so they can provide 24hrs power supply to their long suffering customers?

LOL something else that still exists in newspapers that i had forgotten about was the notice for the interruption of power supply…

All that isnt just bad – how would you like to be in the dark (literally and figuratively) when your neighbours on both sides of the fence have power but you dont have any? Ati you use different power lines but the same generator so yours has kwamad…and the damn mosquitoes decide that is their cue for ‘dinner is served’ and then you hear the by now familiar sound of a giant cockroach scratching the floor, and you sure as hell cant see the blasted creeepy… aaaaaggggghhhh

That is another story for another day :(

I am ready to migrate again I tell ya.


Gripes I – TV

I have recently found myself watching TV more than I would like to admit to the general public people who read this. Be that as it may, I am deciding to admit my couch potatoedness to the general publicyou lot just so I can vent. And yes, I am not trying to kick some backside, so don’t have some station’s manager knocking on my door, I don’t open it anyway. So there.


I am as much a lover of news as the next person. Actually I am addicted to finding out what is happening around the world. But, what is it with the news in Kenya that are soooo loooooong that you could fall asleep, dream you were watching the news, fart a few smelly ones, drool onto the pillow and wake up and the news would still be going on? And, and, I know that the news come in both Kiswahili and English, but damn, one Kiswahili one at 7pm that lasts till the cows come home, and an English one at 9pm that lasts until said cows are up to be milked. WTF? And not to mention that half of that stuff consists of just politics. JHC, its common knowledge that Kenyans love talking politics, but do you have to stuff the stuff down our throats to make a point? (Do not ask me to write about politics in Kenya cos I could be here till next Wednesday)
And, and, the news are in four channels – I mean, KBC, KTN, Citizen and NTV. At the same time, both times. Damn Damn.

And on the same News Bulletin..

When the reporters are..er.. reporting, why is it that their voices have that low start, and it gets higher as they go on and when they finish a sentence they are a few a whole lot of octaves higher? What is that? Do they have a ladder that they have to ascend as they speak? And it is all of them, in all of the channels.. That is bloody annoying if you ask me. But you didn’t ask, but I will tell you anyway.. ;)

Music (Or rather Hip Hop)

When it gets to around 1400hrs, the channels start channelling music videos – hip hop most of the time. Now, I love hip hop as much as the next human, but why is it that most of the TV channels just play music videos in the afternoon. Call me very old, but I find it quite annoying that I want to watch something, anything but all I get is half-naked women shaking their booty on around 4-5 channels out of 8 or so. I know some of you marketing buffs will go the whole ‘but they are providing what the audience demands’ – and don’t get me wrong, that is all well and dandy, but with the current youth obsessed with all things ‘wrong’ not very life-enhancing, wanting to be the next 50 or Jay Z, which in itself is not a crime – most of them love watching music videos (including my yet to be 2yr old niece) and I doubt after lunch any pre-teens mother is sitting around worrying what her young daughter/son is watching on TV. Do we have to stuff this shit stuff down young people’s throats? Isn’t there something else that they can watch if they have to be watching TV?

For a sample, check out NTV’s Guide for today and tell me how many times MTV (Base) appears on their list to name just one source of music?

Commercial Breaks

You gotta love watching TV here if you hate commercial breaks – they only last about a minute or so. Some of the channels just showing their logo and announcing their sponsors and then back to business. But what have I got against commercial breaks here? You ask. And I tell. I have noticed something with some channels where when they have to go on break, they cut whoever is talking or the movie midline. Think of it like this… ‘The president was hosting a delegation of leaders from… ‘ CUT. Then the commercial break, and then when we come back they rewind to where the sentence started. WTF? I mean, hasn’t anyone watched whatever they are airing first to decide where the break should be – do they just decide ‘ouch, we need a break now, someone press the red button now? I didn’t much care about that until last week when I was watching this really interesting which will not be named to save some face here human interest movie when midsentence they went on a commercial break. When we came back to the movie, they had rewound at least 15 minutes.. I do not lie – they did too. And I had to go through the same segment twice.. That was bloody awful and embarrassing :(

Gory Details

Now, we all have overactive imaginations, at least I will speak for self and say CSI, 6ft Under and other movies have made me desensitized to seeing dead bodies. But that is just TV – try watching a bleeding dead fella on the pavement after being shot, mangled or otherwisetotalled decapitated on TV. Let me tell you it makes dinner less appetising – to say the least. I don’t mind death being enacted in movies or series, but when it’s real, keep that stuff covered. My eating habits are appalling as it is.

LOL this I had to add…


I know some of you may consider telling me about the Queen’s English and all that malarkey but we I have not stopped ROTFLMAO at some Minister (I cannot tell who at this point, or what he AdMinisters) who pronounced the word Athletes as Athletees.. that is the funniest shit I have heard in a minute. You just had to be there to actually get it.

Hope you all had a great summer and for those with the oncoming chills that they dont extend to this here blog.


Blog Guesting

I have lost blog mojo, completely. There is so much to write but it seems I can never quite figure out how to put it. And it shows.

So, I will not write anything for a while here – and seeing that this is not my blog (technically it is, but you know what I mean) but the G-Café, I am inviting you to write for my readers.

If you are interested, please leave a comment. It is not just bloggers, everyone is welcome.

I havent yet figured out how this will go so bear with me, but ideas are welcome.

Enjoy the weekend people

BTW where is the KBW card?


Tagged (for 666?)

Acolyte tagged me, and seeing as I didnt have any choice, here goes:

Post six weird facts/habits about yourself.
These cannot be used against you later on :)
– At the bottom name the six people you will tag next.
– Leave them a comment to let them know they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.

6 weird things about me

I need a finance manager – although I hate misers and cant stand people that penny pinch, I don’t keep track of my finances and sometimes spend more than I have. I am generous to a fault and hence always a fair bet when it comes to sponging on people. Although I don’t buy the most expensive thing on the list, most times I don’t believe that cheap is cheap – although I will not scoff at a bargain. Oh and by the way, I am aware of my account balance, how much I owe, what bills I have or haven’t paid, the last time I paid for something and how much, all in my head. Ok so I need a brain manager then! And while we are at it, could you put all these thought and perspectives into a manageable order? Could you make all thought processes follow each other chronologically and ..er.. logically. I seem to have a brain that moves so fast that I cant keep track of it. And, while you are still filing stuff, could you also do a ‘Recycle Bin’ on my brain so that I can get rid of all them thoughts that are redundant and occupying useful space, but don’t really ‘bin them forever’ unless I advice you to?

Following on the above, I have never borrowed money from a friend or family. It is said (yes, by me too) that I have my father’s pride. I will help a friend in trouble financially if they ask, but I will never ask for same. I have been burnt a couple of times, and for considerable amounts by ex’s who owed me lots when we broke up, but I chalk that down to experience – although I never bloody seem to learn – what a wuss! And that also goes for asking for help, any kind of help. I am stupidly independent, and have never once had a man pay my rent or give me money for any reason unless he wanted me to go over and pay for groceries or something (even when we lived together for 4yrs with an ex, we went Dutch on everything, oh and I was the higher earner so I got to foot most of the bills, a sucker, me). I remember one ‘person’ who I had visited took me to a mall and put his credit card on the cash register in a store (notice the whole American slang (store, mall) and said I could get anything I wanted from a particular designer shop. Half an hour later, we left empty-handed. He wasn’t amused and to this day will not believe that I will not marry him, seeing that I had paid for my flight, paid for a dinner in a ‘posh’ restaurant, and bought him presents for that shopping trip (another post for another day). If you want to buy me a present, please do so in your own time, if you know me then you should know what I like and do not like – showing me that you are loaded and can afford anything isn’t one of those.
I have had sentiments to the tune of ‘you should have bought the most expensive things and watch him squirm’ from a few females – but that is not me. I prefer to be real with myself and others, and gold-digger doesn’t rhyme with Guessaurus. Oh and before I get all of you going all ‘girl power’ on me, I do it with family, friends, females and foes. I have been independent from family since I was 18yrs old and I find it hard to have someone else call the shots on what I can and cant spend money on, and if it is someone else’s money, well – count me out!

Following on the brain management, I have a near photographic memory. Near because it does fail me. I cannot cram things in my brain. For revision, I just write the little notes and just kinda take a mental picture, when the question comes, I remember the notes the way they are written, where they are on the page, and the order they are in. Problem with that is if you skip over one line then the whole deck falls over. Oh and while there, I remember verbatim what the tutor/lecturer was saying when teaching about the specific subject. I am amazed that I was never called out for cheating cos I can duplicate things word for word. It does help that I can take something and word it differently, oh and I have a knack for applying things into real life situations. For this memory prowess, I have had problems with people especially lovers cos when an argument comes, I can remember what you said, when, where, and what you were doing/wearing/eating when it came up. Scary and annoying for them I would think. Oh, and I have to switch off everytime someone has to repeat something they have said to me before, and worse still, I could finish it for you, tell you when you told me it, and even tell you where, when, what we were doing and the circumstances. I hope there aren’t any more people like me out there cos they might be thinking ‘Oh, how is that for a taste of your old poison G’ LOL I always worry that I haven’t forgotten that I have said the same thing to the same person before and couldn’t remember. So friends, if I start a sentence with: ‘I am not sure if I have said this to you before’ – and start off, then wait to hear if you remember. It means that I have said it to someone else already. And if it is something like: I LOVE YOU – then disregard the disclaimer. (so going to hell in a fish basket)
And, and, my bossman (no, spellchecker, that is not Bosnian – I know some but that is neither here nor there) knows about my near photographic memory – he relies on it for things that need a ‘top of your head, G’ answers. I keep numbers and figures in my brain that would mean absolutely nada to the rest of the world, but have saved my department and I a whole lot of grief. A name or a number trigger all sorts of stuff that I can recite with 98% accuracy, going back a couple of years – and that is just work!

Was this supposed to be short and to the point?

For Uaridi and Future Diplomat – my comrades in arms (pun intended)
I was born left handed, but I am now ambidextrous. When I enrolled self to nursery school at the age of four, the teacher was a family friend (I know I have said this before, so bear with me, I am not discounting my near-photographic memory). I remember, at age 4 being taught how to make the ‘puppet man’ and we had to cut paper and attach it to strings et al. For a four-year-old, it is disconcerting to not do what everyone else is doing (including my older by two years sister, whom I followed to school hence my self-enrolment) especially the part that you had to cut paper using scissors. I have a love-hate relationship with scissors, and when my nursery teacher made me learn how to use scissors with my left hand unsuccessfully, I had a hard time there, me being the little human that I was – in age and size, mind.
My mother, one of my older sisters, myself, my little brother, and my nephew are all lefties – but we all use the right hand – so there!

The following aren’t advantages of being left-handed, they are advantages of being ‘born’ left-handed but being forced to be right handed

The right side:

I had to learn how not to shake hands using my left
I had to learn to eat with my right
I had to learn to offer ‘food’ to elders with my right
I had to learn to write with my right
I still cannot use scissors properly – or cut in a straight line.
I can only ‘rub’ (use eraser) with my left hand
I can only ‘rule’ (use ruler) if held by right, rule by left
If you offer me something, I pick with my left, and then transfer to the right
If I have to write, I pick pen with left, transfer to right and then write
If I have to use knife and fork, I am ok using the ‘right’ hand, but have to switch to ‘eat’
I cannot tell left from right – I use my ‘polio’ mark on my left hand to tell me that is the left

The ‘left’ side:

I can eat with either hand
I can write from right to left and left to right using either hand (left hand is clearer than right hand when doing the whole right to left biz)
I can read from all ways– left to right, right to left, upside down, through the mirror – and all other till August- if it is written in ‘English’ I will read it – go ahead and try me! (akiey, help!)
I can ‘rub’ dextrously with both hands LOL – and I do!
I am left footed
And left punched (LOL don’t get into a punchup with me)
Most humans stimate (not under-estimate, but neutral estimate) you till you ‘show’ your ‘left’ handedness, and then they are in awe, as if you are a ‘special lot’. And we are!
Apparently most left-handed people are quite intelligent – see, we use more ‘braincells’ that the normal right hand humans

So you see, the ‘rights’ outweigh the ‘lefts’ but that is not something new, is it?

I am severely introverted. Don’t be fooled by my bon homie – I would rather be sitting alone at home and doing ‘nothing’ than be in a crowd doing ‘it all’. I am notoriously social when out and will be the first to introduce myself and make small talk but in ‘real life’ I would rather not one person knew about my me or my life if I can help it. Not that I have anything to hide and trust me I feel obligated to give some personal details, but if I had a choice, I would be the ‘Jane Doe’ of the world. I make friends easily, and people trust me with their life’s secrets, but like I said before, I find it hard to ‘open’ up to people.
If I meet a person and they gives me the whole ’20 questions’ routine – my favourite being ‘where do you come from? Or even ‘what tribe are you? When they are Kenyan, then I clam up faster than you can say ‘Armenian’. I find it most insulting when you need to know my tribe before you know my name!

I use this blog as a personal account of what I don’t and wouldn’t say out loud to people who know me (the personal bits that is). The things I say here are not known to people who personally know me (the ones I have met through meet-ups notwithstanding). I don’t say anything here that I wouldn’t say to anyone named here to their faces, but you, my dear readers are the ones that get the blunt of the edited version.

Seven: I love the storm – especially after the ‘heatwave’ that we have been experiencing here in the UK I am soo cool with the whole rain going on. I love when there is thunderstorms and lightening all that stuff – I sleep like a baby – after enjoying same. And for those UK residents trying to give me a black eye, just do this one for Geography’s sake:

You live in land sorrounded by water
It has been extremely hot for the last coupla days
Moisture from the seas has been absorbed to the atmosphere
Thereby creating clouds (dont even dare ask whence they come from)


Hey presto!!!


Big rain, thunderous rain

I suppose this is atmospheric Karma (do not dare laugh at my made-up geographical phenomena)

Needless to say, I shall be sleeping snugly, smugly (and not ‘muggy’) tonight.

How is that for a forced-confessional :)

Am I going to tag anyone?

If you read this and feel like doing it, knock yourself out – no pressure!
I suppose the ‘tag’ (read: buck) stops with me!


Shock Tactic – Where There Is Heat, There Is Fire?


Over the weekend was I tinkering with the wires and connections in the house (am I the only person who has more wires interconnecting things in the house than BT?) and realised that I needed an extension cable (anti-surge) for my TV cos the current one was overloaded (don’t you hate those power cables that have big heads and adaptors and shit on them that means they cannot fit on the little slot dedicated to a ‘normal’ sized multi-extention cables… er.. cable?

Well anyway, I go to the bedroom and get one of those – discreetly stolen from the iron – thinking I will nick the one in the kitchen that is long and take it to the bedroom for the iron – told you there are more twists in those cables than in this story).

Now, that was Sunday…

All week I have procrastinated getting the cable from the kitchen, and plugged the iron directly into the wall socket. Nothing wrong with that, but that has meant that I kinda stretch the cord a little more than it would like – and seeing as this iron is old as your grandma’s boots, and it has seen nearly a decade of push and pulls – well, something had to give.

This morning, I am happily ironing a skirt, humming to Crazy by Gnarles Barkley on the radio (which makes my morning), which was on loud – surprisingly in a good mood for someone who hadn’t had enough sleep (damn the very hot nights now) – when I notice a few sparks coming from the wall socket from the corner of my eye. I turn around and think: Shit; switch that off. I step over and before you can say ‘off’ the thing caught fire. LOL I didn’t know what to do, whether it was gonna cut off the electricity all over the flat, short-circuit the whole thing or what.

And then it continues burning, I mean real fire, big fire – plastic vs electricity fire – and me, being the semi-idiot that I am couldn’t think fast enough

I took a sock – not any old sock, my trainer socks. Yes, you know them little ones that just cover your foot and go up to the ankle. Yep, those ones – er.. ONE. Likelihood of an electric shock notwithstanding:D

Talk about taking a pencil to put down an errant bull :D

That was what was supposed to put out an electrical fire in the bedroom – not the towel, not the blanket, not God knows what else you put fire out with – a teenie weenie sock. *Slaps self*

And no my stupidity didn’t end with that – the fact that the thing was actually on fire – as in blazing and burning up the cord and stuff – made me giggle like the loony that I am. Seriously I thought it was funny.

Anyway with the infinitesimal sock, I managed to switch the.. eer.. switch off, and the fire died. I removed the now dead as a log iron and put it down somewhere else. LOL you should have seen me – shaking my head like that was the most bizarre thing to happen to me in the morning. It was, but it wasnt meant to be taken as funny… as.. er.. funny should be taken.

Now, whatever god of electricity there is had triggered the automatic switch off the mains so everything was suddenly very quiet. I went and switched the mains back on (indifferent as you can be) and everything went back to life – and so did I – I just calmly picked my ironed clothes off and scampered to the bathroom – still doubly amused by the turn of events.

I think if there is a god of electrical products, then there is a ghost of electrical products too, and he is currently lodging – without paying, the miser, a ghost, but a misery miser ghost nonetheless – in my flat – first my TV died, then my electric space heater, and now the iron – all within a space of two months.

I probably need to bring an electrician in to see if there is a problem somewhere.

Needless to say lunchtime today was spent buying another stupid iron.

And, and…

That wasnt the end of my woes, woi woi (And where is Milo again)

I come home tonight and I couldnt get my wireless blasted router to work – I troubleshot, switched on and off and all things till Sunday, and the blasted thing still is not biting. Serves me right, but I blame the Iron.

I was a whole lot miffed that I had to change positions from my usual comfort zone to a more (or less) comfortable position to connect this laptop to the modem directly (I should know by now that connecting things directly isnt exactly the cleverest thing to do) so I could get the contacts for the stupid router’s support online seeing as digging out all the instruction manuals and loads of reading material that comes with electricals didnt yield the supporting support that I needed… *huffily huffing to a huff*

Aside: I do not do (and dont read either) instruction manuals – those things are only useful when you encounter problems, and you then cannot find what you need in them things anyway – a waste of time, in all the different languages they are interpreted in, I say

… and Guess what?


15 MINUTES of listening to a whiny American Accented ROBOVOICE(sorry all Yankee doos around, but outside (oh and inside too, LOL) America, that accent grates like a grinder :D (mixed metaphor notwithstanding) – especially when you have to listen to it for 15 MINUTES WITHOUT A REAL HUMAN COMING ON THE PHONE to deal with your query. SHE kept telling me to go onto the website and I would find what I was looking for. ROBOWOMAN, I may not be as techno-savvy as your stupid-assed whiny voice, but do you think if I could get what I needed from you online, I would waste my time, phoneline, sanity and cool to listen to your stupid voice for 15 MINUTES

Well, after the 15 MINUTES of being on hold with HER on about shit that I could happily find without HER whiny voice, I gave up.

And now, I am using ‘wired‘ Internet. Just for the non-geekified readers: Just disconnect one wire from the router and connect it to the laptop and Bob’s your Uncle :D ) Not different, but different (and restricted) locations. Damn, I should just revert to the ‘desktop and chair’ mode, thing has worked for years.

Aside 12 – What is it with the London masses today – is the full moon out (dont answer that)?
Today, I had so many people stop to talk to me, including a woman who had a neck problem who deemed it necessary twelve seconds after clocking eyes on me to tell me her medical history, and a builder who on my way to lunch was talking to a black dude whom he decided was a perfect match for me, and proceeded to impart that wisdom to an unsuspecting me, and on my way back he decided that I was a perfect match to HIS SELF…?

To all and sundry who decided today was the best day to smile happily at me, say hello, comment on the weather, et al.

Leave me alone.

Notice to all Londoners
: – I know its getting rather hot rather fast, but please, maintain status quo!
Stiff upper lips, fake smiles, ignore strangers, downcast eyes, and hands in pockets please!

For me at least.

Is that too much to ask?

Dont create fire where only ‘heat‘ exists :D

After all this ‘I need to lie down’ – (the funniest line I know to use this century) :D


God’s Next Army: Design of the Robopots

(A proper rant, humour me)

I was watching this program on Channel 4 last night (2000hrs GMT – or is it BST?) and although I missed the first 20 minutes, I was left quite queasy and a whole lot worried.

This should definitely have been renamed:

God’s Next Army: The making of the Robopots (Robot Politicians)

Dr Who: Rise of the Bushlets (The bush referring to the human not the woods),

Or according to Darius:

God’s Next Army: The Unintelligent Design’d Humans

(This entry is dedicated to Darius – If he happens by he sure will have a few things to say – albeit with more humour and intelligence than I can muster)

This documentary focused on Patrick Henry College (PHC), set up five years ago in Virginia (pause, read link in Wiki, digest, read on), near Washington DC. It has at least 300 students, who are being‘designed’ to be the America’s Next Top Model – and that has nothing to do with brawn, but more to do with brains. The next President, Lawyer, Policy Makers – essentially the next Washington bigwigs – literally.

These are kids in University who were predominantly schooled at home in their early years, have had little or no contact with the outside world as it were – in the sense that the whole ‘evil evil world’ seems to completely fly over their heads – literally – and are taught everything with the Bible in one hand and the text book in the other (Kinda pseudo-slavery, in my view).

Now, I am (supposed to be) a Christian (brought up Catholic) and have absolutely nothing against religion (in its myriad forms) unless it is being force-fed me, or anyone else for that matter. I don’t profess that these kids were being force-fed Christianity but there were certain points in the whole program that made me feel a little uncomfortable (read that with a straight face and a spadeful of salt, if you will).

First off, all lessons are converted into a Bible study – Imagine learning Politics with a Christian message, Science even – Law – (with song and dance attached, mind) What is that? It was like watching little Bushes run around spewing stuff they never seem to understand but have been shoved down their collective throats so often that they know nothing else. Like peas on your daily platter as a kid (none chewed, swallowed whole, come out the other end different (or same) ‘manure’ (for the uninitiated:Bullshit, or rather ‘Bushit’ if spoken in the ‘right’ accent – with the ‘gag’ effect shoved in :( (How many ‘puns’ not ‘pans’ or ‘pants’ can you read in that?)

(Ouch, I must be good with words, or I may be turning into a vegetable, peas (gagging not to use the ‘nothwithstanding’ reference) not in the menu LOLOL)

Dislaimer mid-rant: I was ’schooled’ in English for 4yrs by a ‘Certifiably Insane’ human – but, the best teacher I have had my whole life – so bear with me while I rant and rave around and about MY blog

What I saw was mini-adults who are way over their heads in things they are trying really hard to understand, and which they don’t seem to have been given much choice on. They haven’t had much contact with the outside world and when they are praying, you can actually see some of them ‘rebelling’ by not closing their eyes or just looking absolutely bored (same as I did in high school when we were called ‘devil worshippers’ cos we refused to get saved, religious beliefs notwithstanding

The message that came across (to me) was that these kids were being taught:

* The woman’s place is in the home and after marriage, once the kids arrive, that’s your (woman) career gone to the dogs.
* Sex should be confined in marriage, only
* No drugs, smoking, alcohol or any other worldly preasures
* Homosexuality is evil (and all other ways till September you can put this statement (notice the whole ‘same sex marriage is illegal bill’ being sold in the US at the moment)
* Christianity is the foremost (oldest) religion on Earth, all else is unimportant and not ‘according to the bible’ – Hinduism being the oldest religion notwithstanding
* While most of its ‘pre-selected’ students are home schooled, they haven’t had much contact with the ‘outside’ world, in case they are corrupted by the ‘unwashed masses’ – meaning you, me and your little brother (when the kids went to Washington, you could see how bloody scared they were, like they were fish out of water)
* The role of men and women are clearly defined in the bible, and ‘man’ shouldn’t change that.

Politics is not my forté, and neither is religion (I specialise in fast-food blogging and (not always, but meant to be) funny posts, or just yapping away like a little puppy that just needs someone to bark at/to – oh and urging people to donate blood and get on the bone marrow register, but that is neither here nor in Washington) – but I found this an uncomfortable platter to digest when the same nation churning these robopots (Guessaurus 666) by the classroom is the same one that is going into all sorts of wars claiming religions fundamentalism and insulting and defacing Islam all over the place while they are baking the same cookies in their own kitchens.

We will not mention the war (or rather Blair-speak for: we should not mention the Nazis/War, in Germany when we go to the World Cup, and lose – btw Mr. Prime Minister, if I should be so blunt as to point out) – which is starting in June 06 (3 days, to be precise) – and which we (notice the ‘WE’ reference, it is intended, no apologies), but then again, ‘we’ use ‘we’ when ‘we’ mean ‘I’, so do get lost in the translation already) last won in 6’66 – I digress, keeping with the whole 666 theme, although people I will not mention branded me the antichrist – and seeing that ‘we’ have so much in common, well, I am consigning them to the ‘loonie bin‘ – here comes another inmate – add to that Darius and by extension the Devious One. Oh how the commune is growing :)

And also, the whole parentheses business got lost in translation too, so insert same if so inclined.

We will not mention that we are branding nearly all Muslims terrorists, while we are happily spreading the greatness of our religious beliefs (read: Christianity)

We will not mention that you pre-empt strikes on nations who harbour (allegedly or otherwise) Nuclear weapons, while all along our allies (in the first world – who else hates this first and third world business like I do?) are happily baking, or have already baked and are selling in basketfuls, the same

We will not mention that you are mass-producing these radicals in your front yard, while trying to ‘out’ all other radicals all over the world – oh and another while, while we are preaching peace and equality and all that bull.
We will not mention some of the commandments thou has broken while serving office while also citing the Lord as your (insert what he cites him as, I am not mentioning, remember?)

Thou shall not kill
Thou shall not covet your neighbour’s wife (or property – and NO! Neighbour does not mean Canada)
Though shall not steal
Though shall not use the name of the Lord in vain
Thou shall not lie
Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbour (and that does not mean Canada – although, ok I am getting to be really bad)

6/10 is a sure sign that things aren’t as good as the good Lord would fancy right about now.

What exactly was this post about to begin with?

Oh I remember, them little robopots (LOL the spellchecker thinks that I mean reboots – what are the chances? LOL don’t get me geeky side out to play.

(All geeks go to town on this one – it will be a pleasure)

Points of note:

(Of the 40 or so minutes that I watched)

There were predominantly (blonde blue eyed) white students in school
There were no ‘coloured’ students, and only one ‘Oriental’ looking dude, he may have been anything (might be an ‘Indian American’ but he was on screen for a moment, so I couldn’t tell)
Every ‘male’ was tall – there were no shorties in there
When it came to canvassing and going to ‘firms’ for internships, there were no females in there
There kids seemed to be so out of their league, it was excruciating to watch
The women definitely seemed to defer to the men, although when interviewed, they tittered when giving their answered to same, but skewed towards the whole ‘Male is Superior – what can I do about it’ mode

Even the lecturers seemed to ‘be unsure’ and their voices seemed to ‘shake’ when they had to reference their teachings from the ‘text’ to the Bible.

The one ‘ex-student’ who had ‘backslid’ and come back to the fold, had to ‘testify’ to turning to drinking and smoking – and in turn confessed to losing his footing, his loads of jobs et al .. and he didn’t seem happy and willing to do that either (not sure if it were the vices or the confession, but who am I to judge)

This is like watching ‘Men in Black’ in a reverse kinda way – 10-15years down the line, the rest of the world – starting with America, will be swamped and we will all be checking our calorie count and dress sizes through the Bible

David Kureshi is definitely dancing in and above his grave on this version

Note: This is based on a one hour documentary (40 minutes worth of my time + 3, 3minute commercial breaks, do the math) so feel free to correct, inform, educate, rant, swear at, criticise, fanaticalise (I know it ain’t a word, save from obscure anti-religiousism, Bushism, Politikism, and all other ‘isms that you can find – but do please let me know what you think)

Oh and do the click on the links, all of them – Marvin wouldn’t be pleased if you didn’t.

And another Oh! (read Zero) I realise that this documentary wasn’t made in 60 minutes, so there is enough ‘cuts on the floor’ to give a different picture – literally – so ignore that and take this as is. I am!

Last, I have to stop using words like literally and notwithstanding, most things that are left unsaid notwithstanding, literally

This was literally a rant, disclaimer notwithstanding

Howbeit is also a ‘thesaurused‘ meaning of notwithstandingthesaurused being a made up word notwithstanding!


How Guessaurus is that?


Fact, Phew

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia (Fear of No. 666)


(read one wo/man, if you will allow me :( )

As the date 06/06/06 is here – I am somewhat amused by the whole reference to it.

Most people view that number as evil – I am not one of those

Now, let this be the place where you all learnt this first – and/or stayed away/with this blog for good.

Why? You ask!

My favourite number is 6 (and trust me I am pretty lucky, you wouldn’t even begin to imagine – but that is a life for another blog)

* First 6 – or rather 666 – My First name, Middle (given) name, and Surname are all six letters long – the only one in the family, including parents and nephews/nieces.

* Second 6: I am the 6th born (out of 8 ) in my family

* Third 6: I was born on a Saturday – the sixth day of the week (yes, don’t do that Sunday is the first day routine on me, I’m on a roll)

Remember, God rested on the seventh day

I could go on – but I hope I have convinced you

I don’t care for fears of numbers – number 13? What, what?

Friday the 13th? Who cares?

Anyway, I am not the devil’s spawn – and I am not evil, not as far as I know

So judge for yourself and laugh at me or as I would you

Oh and one more thing, Devious over there is my e-twin (and that E is not for Evil.., but then again… )

And now for the clincher – at 0600hrs, my eyes opened – LOL anyone who knows me knows that I have a hard time waking up, takes me till about 0730 to convince my brain that work calls – but today, Noo, I was lying in bed wide awake, laughing at something I remembered – Devious, you wouldnt be amused

And for those shaking their heads going: Oh but its all a concidence! I will ask you this – What the heck has the number 666 got to do with anything?

Need I say more?

Today: The luckiest day of my life – or rather, just another normal day at the office :D