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Its a bug’s life

(And it’s MY War)

Claimer: If you don’t like creepy crawlies, stay out of this page for now
Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily kill insects/’things’ when they are in my vicinity, only when they threaten my sanity and health – not necessarily in that order – but when they are in my bedroom and within the vicinity of my bed, then they have crossed the line – literally – They are warned 
Diss-Claimer: I refer to things as ‘him/he’ when I can not genderise it – don’t make me qualify/quantify my statement. It just is. Find me a man who calls his car Jamie or Oliver (nothing to do with the Naked Chef, mind – although dudes might buy into the whole ‘naked’ and ‘chef’ and draw their own conclusions – I am banking/baking on that to neutralise/naturise this bit – geddit?)

If you have lived outside Kenya (or a tropical country for that matter) for a while, or longer than a while – you forget about nature in its entirety. And that is just in your mind/world. Then one day you turn up, set up shop home and continue to live happily ever after. What you never put into consideration as part of the happy medium is that nature, (and it’s elements) doesn’t really report to you. You may have envisioned that the world was at your feet, but you forgot to look past the tiled floors and the painted ceiling. You forgot to look at who else owned the world apart from you!

A quote I heard the other day rings so true (don’t know by whom though):

We own the land, but nature owns the world

Hence why I have been hop skip and jumping around trying not to scream out loud cos by golly, there are enough ‘things’ living with me to consider mi casa a crowded house’

Lets look at them in no particular order (might be chronological by when they made their presence felt)

Mosquitoes

Having lived in a ‘cold’ place in my formative years, I never came across this abomination – and having moved to a more ‘colder’ (literally and figuratively) place – they are considered the plague of the world. Now, they ‘own’ mi casa. I have tried everything, even negotiating with them to just bite without the noise, cos that buzzing does do my head in – but they insist on singing for their dinner – literally. I am lucky that I have never had Malaria cos at the rate they are eating, damn, I should die of anaemia/blood loss before Malaria. Good thing I am used to blood donation eh?

Hairy Caterpillars
(or whatever them things that have hairs and give you a rash when you touch them are called)

One day I see something on my wedgy shoes – and I walk over and there is this hairy thing just lounging. All the hairs on my body stand on edge (pun hereby acknowledged) cos I hadn’t seen one of those since my teens. I proceed to whack his backside (yes, that is the only way I could kill the dude, seeing as I couldn’t happily ask him to turn over so I could see his underbelly or something, mind) to death. Two days later I see same relative (family specie) in my bedroom and I whimper. Dude comes over and asks what’s creeping (ok, ok, I had to do that one) and I point (Words please don’t fail me now ) He reassures me – or rather hisself cos I was not being swayed – that they are harmless and proceeds to pick the ‘thing’ up and take it outside. I so wish I had his courage cos I woulda been screaming to high heaven. I still hate them and there have been a few sightings around. EEEEEEEWWWWW

Geckos (Or something in that family)

I always see one of them tiny cute transparent green ones somewhere on the wall. I am not afraid of them but they just hang (LOL you didn’t make me do that one) around doing nothing for days – then one day if you scare them they just sprint to the end of the room and hang around again. Pretty cute I would say – but still non-paying roomies. And it’s even cuter when T, my canine best friend, barks to high heaven trying to either scare or eat one. LOL that baby is demented for sure.

Roaches (And big ones at that)

I haven’t lived with roaches for a very long time – actually the last roach I saw was in Boston, US – and I mean a colony, not an individual roach. Then here there was a drain blockage and when it was cleared… drum roll.. giant roaches.. I mean the size of your pinkie or your big fingered (sausages… I said it) friend’s pinkie. And apparently they fly.. Jeeez. Anyway, of late they have been climbing up the drain and visiting. Or maybe they live here and they are trying to remind me of same. I am creeped out literally by roaches. They are the eeewwwest things around – but they own their part of the world and I should respect that. What I cannot respect is why they are in my bathroom and by extension my bedroom. I can forgive anything anywhere in my home as long as the bedroom doesn’t come into it.

Guys, this is WAR.

I saw one yesterday when I was going about my business in the bathroom and I walked over and stepped on him. I had jogging bottoms and I couldn’t find him after the first strike or under my slippers. Can you bet on how fast I got them jogging bottoms out? They are still quarantined (the bottoms, not the errant ‘dead’ roach) and being inspected on a regular basis. Talk about contamination/Quarantine-ation 

Helicopters

(Them WFI – Winged Flying Insects – Wasps or whatever thingies that just buzz around that look like ‘Copters)

When it’s hot – which is often – they just make their presence known. The other day I saw one, and I killed him. Then there was another – and I killed him too. Thereafter, there was one that went to the dead ones and pretended to be part of the dead, and inspected the corpses. I looked over and I thought that the dead had moved, which is in itself unusual. Then he flew around – and sealed his fate. I chased and killed the fella – and closed the windows. I hate WFO or UFI’s that just invade your casa and creep you out, and if they cant find their way out of said casa, then I will make them find a way to the next FO world pronto.

By extension Wasps, Bumble/Bees, Flies etc that buzz around my head or in the room and they can’t find their way out are on their way out if I have my way. Find your way out if you can, but if you find your way into my impatience, then you find your way into the next Buzz World – with no apologies.

Mouse (Singular)And not the one you’re clicking on right about now))

I personally don’t have anything against mice (or by extension rodents). I actually like them as long as they don’t eat my books and clothes (They can have food if they so wish, and can get to it). But there is no memo that you send to them rodents to caution them against said restrictions. I have a mouse – singular I might add. When I did put a mousetrap on, it disappeared – but I bet he is hanging around somewhere here. He used to come into my bedroom and run straight out – betting there was nothing to eat there (apart from my poor old toes, and that is by God out of the question, even for tropical mice) and not wanting to have a good ol’ chat about life as a human/mouse. But, he has free reign as long as no books or clothes are nibbled – then I would have to wage a war on him too. And he is rather cute.

Nguyas (don’t know English or Scientific name)

Those flying insects (ants) that come out during rainfall – and promptly die cos their wings are so light – and their bodies are left walking around looking for food or whatever. What do those things eat anyway? Insects LOL

Anyway, of late there has been quite some rain, and matope notwithstanding and hiked fares and pools of water all over the land, (oh and flooding for people down coast and Eastwards) Nguyas are a menace that is driving me down the dumps. On their own they aren’t harmful, but wake up in the morning and their wings are littered everywhere – and I mean everywhere. Oh and sometimes, when you leave a window open, they will crawl in, find the nearest light and continue to flutter and fall, flutter and fall, until that time when their wings break they are stuck under something they cant crawl from under, or a certain G decides she has had enough of the fluttering and smacks it one with an object, and here comes doom (not the insecticide, although that might work – if I wasn’t allergic to such smelly stuff – but Kingdom Come of insects)

Crickets:

These I dont necessarily get to see but you sure as heck will hear their chirping from any part of the world if you listen closely enough.

Oh and last but not least:

Frogs (and their off-spring :D )

With the onset of rains, there has been a few puddles around – but there is a fairly huge one round the corner that has got a school of croakers decorating the night with sounds. Havent seen this lot but I wouldnt need to be both blind and deaf to actually not acknowledge them.

Now all I need is a tent and some hicking boots (oh wait, I have got my Timbalands on today, ;) although they are Nike to boot :) ) and I’m off to commune with nature. Or better yet just get back home and I am a jungle kid. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….