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Passion

Bliss

[Pic: Sunrise over Africa at 0600hrs @ 37000 feet: Taken By Guessaurus 14/04/06]

I love when you hold my hand
In public and private
Especially when I am asleep
You seek and find my hand
While the rest of you curve up into me
And I can’t tell where I stop and you start

I love when you kiss me
Small, intimate kisses
They make others envious and uncomfortable
You don’t seem to notice or care
There are so many moments I cannot account for
On account that I was so busy kissing you

I love it when you look at me
Just so, I feel like I am under a microscope
And that I am the most interesting thing
At the same time, I wonder what is on your mind
But a smile and a kiss later
I am lost, and don’t wonder no more

I love how you listen to me
That ‘accent thing’ doesn’t count
You make me feel like what I say counts
Even if I am venting and impatient
It’s like you hear my thoughts
And out comes a valid comment

I love when you scratch my itches
Damn, them mosquitoes are so sexist
And yes, its because you are black
But when you kiss them itches better
I could suck you inside me for sure
But then you would become mozzie fodder
And the cycle would be repeated all over

I love how you wake me up
Not when, but how
You seem to understand the whole process
That I will not ‘jump’ but need due process
Its like for that while, you are on my side
And the whole world will have to wait for me
I sleep, until you are ready to re-introduce me to the world
[Pic: Feet higher: :D just sitting on a plane having breakfast – 31000ft, 26/04/06 – Taken by Him]

I love how you ‘take charge’ of me
You don’t crowd, or cloud, or overbear
There is always you looking over
But never, and I repeat never, walking over
You leave me be, but quietly let me know
That you listened, observed, and has an opinion

I love your fascination with my skin
I have heard it all – how soft, smooth, silky
But when it comes from you, its like I have a new lease
And then you touch it and go: OH oh, how soft
Making me feel all soft and squishy underneath
Touch me baby, one more time

I love that you love me: totally different from normal
You are to me what I wouldn’t consider the usual
And moreso, when I know you are the real deal
Knowing you are there, whether near or far
Makes me want to hold you oh so closer
Trust you to make all my insecurities disappear

I love your intelligence – wow what a treat
You present a world and a way that is such a state
That most, oh what would they know, you are great
And you make me ‘wow’ a little bit more
Especially when I know that I know for sure
That u are the closest thing to heaven that I adore

Passion, Phew

Let’s talk about… SEX

amour

(Full gutter mode, come on, engage brain, lie in the gutter with me :))

Following Acolyte’s post on the Kenyan press getting back into the sex tales biz, I thought I would write something similar, but different. You know, about Sex AND Women :) . Moreso the attitute towards sex by women, for women.

I have had it up to here *lifts arms way up* with society and sex, and moreso the depiction that sex is a ‘man’s’ prerogative and the woman is subjugative (had to rhyme, give me a minute here), she is there to give, give, give. I read today in the paper that the government here (UK) is going to start a £500,000 campaign to inform men that they should be absolutely sure of consent before they have sex with a woman. Oh and rapists are going to have their sentences lowered by 15% (A ‘WTF? moment right there)

That is not what riled me – it is the notion that sex is for man to receive and woman to give.

We of African origins (mostly) know that women were and still are circumcised to numb the sexual desire and enjoyment? Why? So that they may not have sex before marriage, stray or enjoy sex.

What utter load of crap is that?

Women are taught to be careful of how they dress, how much they drink, how they talk to men, where they venture after specific hours, which men they let into their homes or go home with etc so that they are not raped. We are told that it is our responsibility to ensure that we don’t get raped, sexually assaulted etc. Who does this? The little green alien from space, the fox that you saw digging in your bin in the back garden, the squirrel in the tree?

Don’t be stupid!

(I am aware that men are also raped, both by other men and sometimes by women, but that is not what we are talking about, so don’t rush to comment on it)

As an African woman, we are taught that being sexually assertive is not ‘ladylike’ and should wait for the man to make the first move, should not have sex (if at all, until we die) before marriage, and should be married to that one man, and even if he dies before you consummate the marriage, you should never, ever, envisage having sex with anyone else.

Once again I say, bollocks (pardon the pun)

We all know that the more women a man has slept with, the more of a stud he is, and the reverse is scoffed at. No man wants to marry a woman who may have, at some stage in her 20+years of existence entertained another man near her – and worse still had sex with one. Which self-respecting man wants to be married to a woman who has slept with someone else before him?

(Chorus: Bollocks)

We are conditioned to view sex as something bad, something immoral only to be experienced after marriage – and during marriage as a duty. A chore. Something that has to be done not because you enjoy it, but because it is the duty of a woman to fulfil her man’s desire. We are told the Bible said, so it is. We are taught about sex in school, but we aren’t supposed to experience it, just know about it. Like studying chemistry in school where you learn how to mix chemicals that blow up, but you aren’t allowed to join Al Qaida and blow your damn self up with that knowledge – well, unless you first convert, that is.

(Chorus?)

While we are still singing from the same hymnbook, why don’t I ask a few questions to my esteemed congregation?


Is there a different ‘Bible’ that men learn from while they learn about sex?

I am aware that the sexual cycle of both men and women is different – it has something to do with hormones, someone said – but I think they were talking to the person sitting next to me so I didn’t take notes.

I am increasingly and incessantly tired of advertisements that are supposed to target all demographics but are packaged either with sexual connotation, or outright sexual images (sometimes actual naked women) – who are these targeted for? Women? Tell me how a mobile phone held by a completely naked woman is targeting me? What in the world would I see in a blonde blue eyed naked woman? Would she convince me to buy the phone? What has her nakedness got to do with the marketability and usability of the phone? Would I tell my child that ‘Hey Ted, look at this phone (since you cannot even tell they are advertising the phone coz its small, held in the hands of said woman who fills the advertising space), this is what dad will get you for your birthday” – I am sure he would turn around and ask me: ‘What phone?’ maybe thinking the blonde is what he will get?

What were we talking about again?

Now I remember: The idea that sex is a man’s domain, and the woman is just the tool (I prefer receptacle, but that is a bit too much for me on a Monday) for said act.

Are we supposed to think that men are this walking talking bundle of sex hormones that do not think, do, or want anything else but sex? (Don’t answer that Whispering Inn).

As women, are we quite happy to be still viewed as sex objects, to sit around preening all sexily waiting to be picked out of a line-up – like some mannequin, turned into a receptacle (ok it is the evening, indulge me)?

As men, are you that shallow? Are you happy for the rest of the world (women, mainly) – especially represented by your own kind, to think of you as so shallow. That you think with your unmentionables and cannot relate to anything that isn’t packaged in a sexual way. Are you happy for the society to view you as such dangerous, lethal weapons that can control the world, but cannot control your animal urges? Is the sexual urge in the male so strong that all reason flies out of the window, and your flies?

Do not even get me started on porn (yes, I said porn) – if you know of a porn movie that concentrates on the woman and her enjoyment, please please, send that to me (I promise to watch it with a diplomatic, critical eye and give you feedback :D ) – its all about the man, or men – the woman is just there to… er… aid in the journey until they get here ( :D I am trying, I swear I am) ;)

I am completely baffled by all those excuses for infidelity that men give (yes, I am aware that women cheat too) ranging from:

She doesn’t satisfy me in bed:

Something tells me more often than not, your partner doesn’t get her orgasm and then turn around and start snoring, leaving you high and dry (seriously, it is Monday evening, allow me to snigger at this one) – if you aren’t satisfied, there is a very high chance that she didn’t even realise that the act had actually commenced. Having an orgasm for a woman is not a man’s priority, I’m sure.

She wouldn’t do to me the things that I would like done:

I read this in the Nation yesterday – that ‘I respect my wife and wouldn’t want her to do what the prostitutes do to/with me’ – Dude, you may respect your wife enough to go to prostitutes, but do you respect yourself? Seriously, what a child!
I doubt very much most ‘old-school’ men have ever turned around ‘once’ and asked their wives/girlfriends what they (women) would want sexually. Of course, I forgot; sex isn’t a woman’s domain, what the hell was I thinking?

She is always tired:

(Allow me to e-slap you)

Why is she always tired?
Could it be that she recently endured child-birth, or is about to?
Could it be because she spends all day running around after your kids, after you, making sure your lives are running smoothly, and the only time she has to herself is when that head hits the pillow, and before that wee one starts bawling in the middle of the night?
Could it be that she also has a fulltime job?
Could it be that you don’t even know what the ‘powerfoam’ in Omo is for?
Could it be that you think sex begins (and possibly ends before it began) at 1030pm in bed?

She has let herself go:

(Give me the other cheek)

(Read the above paragraph again)
Could it also be that she might not have time to enjoy the benefits of the company gym coz she is running home to make you dinner?
Might it be because she has low self-esteem because the last time you even noticed she existed was when you couldn’t find your other blue sock? The one you left in the prostitute’s bed (if you bothered to take them off in the first place)?
Might your physically and mentally abusing her and putting her down have caused the low self-esteem?
Have you actually looked at yourself lately? You may be having a sympathetic pregnancy, but you are slow coz the baby was born six months ago – hers, not yours!

Sex with her is not adventurous:

(Read the first few paragraphs of this post)

We all learn as we go along – and knowing what you want is one thing, keeping it to yourself is a completely mute idea. Unless you like the sort of stuff that would classify you as a sexual pervert, anything within reason can be learnt and experienced together. And though I am aware that some people are prudish in some respects (or even all), it takes two to tango. Marrying that virgin doesn’t seem like a very good idea now, does it?

She is not sexually experienced:

(Read previous paragraph)
You are not going to get any marks for citing that as a reason. Seriously did they not teach you about cakes – you know, how once you have eaten it you can’t still have it – unless you are bulimic and we don’t want to go into the mess that is? Well, you of the school of thought that a woman with a modicum of sexual experience is a ‘whore’ is the same one whining when you cant get that ‘thing’ the other woman does with your wife. She was a good girl, you said. A church girl. She didn’t sleep around so I thought she would make a good wife. Well, unless you were advertising for a ‘slave’ to your every whim, then sex is part of marriage, the last time I looked – and like all other things, can be learnt, on the job experience and all that. But, as with the ‘on the job’ bit,… oh forget it – if you haven’t figured out my point then I give up.

I need variety: (that age old, I cannot live on (insert basic food group here) alone:

Now that is a very selfish statement if I ever heard one. What about the woman? What makes you think that you are that good, that you need more than she is offering – and from different women at that? And what makes you sure that she is so satisfied with your game that she will never need any other lover?

Did I hear you that you are bored with the same thing over and over? Well, so is she. So is she! Probably so bored that she lies there knitting while you get your rocks off. Oh, why did you think she asks you halfway through what time it is, or whether you locked the doors? It is because she is bored stiff! With your act. This is where communication comes in, not infidelity. Spice up your sexual game, step up and be a man (whatever that means) and don’t cop out like all the other guys in your ‘boys network’ have done.

Men have a higher sex drive than women:

Now, this is a grey area for me – I am a woman, cannot speak for the other team! But, let me ask the all-important question – and don’t answer it either! When you of a higher sex drive have sex, do you have it with women or men? Would that be the same women that have a lower sex drive? Did you have to force yourself on them because they weren’t up to it because their libido was low? And don’t you dare get all high and mighty by saying something like: But if the missus isn’t up to it, I can get it from a different woman who is. That is a cop-out if I ever heard one.

noit amore

What am I prattling on about?

I am not advocating for women to start sleeping around willy nilly (snigger away, why don’t you?) with every Tom, Dick (oh shut up) and Harry, but I am saying that those old societal expectations should be tied to a stone and thrown into a very deep hole (slap yourself upside the head if you are laughing at this). Your grandmother is your grandmother for a reason – leave it that way. Ignore the line of code in your head that says that enjoying sex is not ‘womanly’ or ladylike or something – and go out there and procreate (ok, don’t throw stones at me, the Bible has that line somewhere, stone Moses or somebody, or Joe). Sex is a beautiful thing that should be done over and over again, as many times as possible, and the more you do it , the better it becomes and the more you learn. Sex is one of those God given rights, no one, and I mean no one, including your grandmother or your Mother or your husband, should tell you that you are not being a ‘lady’ for enjoying it, if you can get it that is (the writer of this blog isn’t getting any, hence the aggro).

As women, we should have control of our bodies, and moreso our sexual health and enjoyment. Leaving that to a man, who doesn’t own the body and in most cases just wants to enjoy it, is juvenile in the least, especially if you are not enjoying your body with him. Using words like sexually shy shows you aren’t old enough or mature enough to enjoy sex. And no, I am not advocating going along with your man’s suggestions which you find degrading or demeaning or downright unacceptable just to prove you are sexually liberated. Just do what feels right to you, set your own boundaries, and don’t be bullied to doing stuff to ‘please’ or ‘keep’ your man. If he views you on how you sexually perform ‘for him’ then you are no better than a prostitute, both of you.

And that stuff about faking an orgasm – give me a break. Why would you want to do that? Oh I know, to please a man and reassure him that he did a good job, he is a stud, and the sex was good. If he didn’t do a good job, what makes you think it’s your responsibility to give excuses for him by faking it? If it wasn’t that good, it wasn’t that good. End of. Sex can be good with or without an orgasm – its how you do it that counts, if the means justifies the end, good, if not, well, try again later, or tomorrow, or not – just don’t fake it. I suppose the faking is more effort than the orgasm. I wouldn’t know, I don’t do it. If I didn’t come I didn’t come – the world is still revolving, and I can finish the job myself if it is that important that I get an orgasm every time I have sex, which it isn’t, unless I am DIY’ing, which is always good, so good that I have never failed to get lift-off. Can you imagine faking an orgasm while alone? That would be so funny, worthy of an Oscar – because guess what, who would you be fooling? You! You are fooling yourself to prove that you are that good?

Now that is funny!

Sex is a contact sport, and you woman, are in no way, shape or form, THE BALL (wrong analogy but by now you are aware of my wayward brain)

Passion

International Women’s Day

Mshairi asked me kindly to do a post on this day (8th March) and as she is a woman I admire greatly, how could I say no?

Now, we all know there are many women out there who have done wonders for mankind, and specifically for womankind. I know most of you will honour them one way or the other.

For me though, I will do one of the obvious ones, the ones we overlook coz they are so ‘obvious’ and aren’t celebrated worldwide, or in the media or on TV or even in our everyday lives. They are always there, always ready, always willing, and always supportive, they seem to have supernormal strength – taking care of others, of us, seemingly not needing any support themselves (or so we think) and seeming to get along alright, make all the right decisions, do all the right things, even in suffering they don’t complain.

Yes, I will honour my mother.

Is she any different from any other (African) mother in the world?

No.

She is just an ordinary mum who had to juggle running a house and working.

Is she any different from any other (African) mother in the world?

Yes

Why is she different from other mothers?

Education:

From when I was a child (yes, that 4yr old) I have always known my mother was more ‘special’ than other women were. I grew up watching other women come to my house so that my mum could teach them how to read and write, how to cook, how to look after kids (if they couldn’t read, they couldn’t understand those books about childcare, immunisations, symptoms of illnesses etc – and our house was their first port of call. If they had to fill in papers about this or that, read letters sent to them from whomever (and having to write and send them back), they came to our house – and they trusted my mum to be discreet, loyal and helpful. Oh and in weddings and other gatherings, she is/was always the main ‘cook’ and would be consulted for everything from settings to menu to ingredients to clothing. My mother!

Religion:

Growing up in a Catholic environment, religion was a big part of our lives. As long as I can remember, my mother was the Chairlady of our Diocese – initially out of choice, but later because whether she is vying for the seat or not, she gets the majority of the vote. I remember once when she initially said she wanted someone else to take the reigns and the Father announced after Mass that my mum was the leader, she was not a happy camper. Women, and Catholic ones at that, trust her judgement, her faith, and her leadership.

Faith:
(An extension of above)

If I could name one person whose faith is unquestionable, I would say my mum.
She does not bible-bash, or force-feed you religion but I know in my heart that if my mum says she will pray for you, good things happen. If I want something really badly, I just ask her to pray for me – we joke constantly that she has a direct line to God, and if she tells you that instinct tells her that that is not the right thing/way etc to go about it, trust me it will crash on you, so I take heed even if I am a stubborn a* who pushes boundaries to get what she wants.

Charity:

I do not know many women who have done so much for other people, selflessly as my mother. We used to joke (no, we still do) that she is the mother of all strays. As far as I can remember, our home has been open to everybody – stranger or friend. Last time I was home, my dad was complaining that there seems to be these people he doesn’t know whom he finds eating in the kitchen, and my mum was like ‘Baba G, it is only food. If a hungry person walks through the door, I will not turn them away’ (our poor dog is always hoarse barking his life away while my mum shoos him off, he does that to me too, thinking I am one of the ‘strays’ but a few words from me – did you know I can talk to animals? Well, Blogger Dolittle at your service – sorts his barky bottom out. Oh and that same dogs knows that charity extends to non-humans too, I am testament to the fact that his ‘mates’ hang out and live around for weeks at a time in our home (’our’ including canine family members))))). But she will also give them clothes if they need it (LOL do you know that I don’t have any clothes in Kenya? They were given away ages ago, and even if I leave anything there, trust me I wont find it when I get back – and that goes for all my siblings). Even the people who work in the farm know that they can eat and carry as much food as they want – oh and some of them get a home for the duration.

Adoption:
(an extension of the above)

I have more siblings that I can ever count because my mum has ‘inherited’ so many kids (and mostly adults) that I lost count. The first time I remember is when her best friend died and she ‘left’ all her kids to my mum to raise. Most of them were already adults and the last born was about 3yrs older than me. But from then on, when a mother is needed, be it graduation, wedding, funeral, marital counselling, disputes they always come to my mum. She has brought up so many other people’s kids as her own, both physically and emotionally, that everybody calls her mum. As recently as two years ago, a friend of my eldest sister died and left three kids of teenage years – whom my mum duly adopted and now can be found at our home during school holidays and they regard my mum as their ‘mum’. Even funnier is that my brothers’ ex-girlfriends are known to come home and even stay the night, just so they could hang out with mum even though they broke up with any brother ages ago.

 

Development:

I can ascertain that my mum has been in as many ’small business committees’ as you have had hot dinners. She is in any and all community development committees and has always had something to contribute and is consulted on all matters educational, accountable, regional, developmental as anyone I know. Heck, if I had to choose a Kenyan president on a whim, I would say ‘mum’ (pun both intentional and not). I would trust her in leading my life as I would to leading yours, and your kind. There isnt a better suited person who is accountable, fair, dedicated, loyal, aware, informed, popular (albeit in a small community) and she would kick the butts of all those fossils just to make us laugh – and to make us think, and work, and create, and produce, and ask, and question, and all the more care, and appreciate, and worry, and walk, and plant, and later harvest, of our thoughts, our dreams, our aspirations, our fears, our disadvantages, our loves, our hates, our good, our bad, our wants, our needs, our miscourages and our courages, our justice, injustices, our lacks, our gets, all of us as humans would see something, anything, everything in ourselves and rise somewhere, anywhere, everywhere – and do something.

General Disposition:

My mum is a very sweet woman – intelligent, funny, caring, kind, considerate, generous. No she is not a saint, she is my mother. But I would never have chosen anyone else (if there was a tick-list before conception) to be my mother. She is fair, and even when in disagreement she does it with subtlety and consideration. She is wont to pinching wayward little brats that she bore (to their eternal complaint) but apart from that, she wouldn’t hurt a soul to get herself off a sticky situation.

Fair play:

All I can say on this is my mum has been fair to all. She treats everyone equally and since we were kids neighbouring a white couple (whose kids preferred to be in our house than theirs) to now, tribalism, racism, classism or any ism escapes her. Though educated by missionaries and knowing how them Catholic nuns can be (>d®, Spicey and Mutumia, back me up here) my mum cannot understand that people can be racist. We were brought up to be fair, free, forgiving and to fly. We were told that so long as you are not hurting anyone, and you are doing the right thing (obeying the law, not engaging in illegal activities), then you were free to follow your dreams.

Motherhood:

My mum has 8 kids (her legal offspring) – 5 girls and 3 boys (I fall in the lucky 6th position). One thing that is prevalent in all her kids (bar the last born) is that we are all independent human beings that turned out ok (the writer of this blog notwithstanding). I believe that growing up in a free and fair household, open to one and all, and having a sense of generosity, sharing and fair play has made us all complete human beings that feel that one person irrespective of class, race, gender or any other differences doesn’t make them more or less of a human being than we are. We are all different and if by any chance we were all the same, how boring would the world be? How bland? How happy families (as a person who gets bored rather quickly, I daresay I would have no hair left, and would have killed a few people, myself included, to alleviate the boredom). I know that I have the same say in anything in my family as my dad does (although I am female and part of the ‘babies’ – and having been the first person in the family to leave the country, no, the continent, I am considered the babiest of them all). In all that, I am happy and proud to say that although my dad is the ‘man’ in the family, and accorded all respect, my mother is the one that can and takes all the credit for how we all turned out, and how the family loves one another and is united, whatever the circumstance (even when tricking mum into getting drunk (she doesn’t drink) on Christmas night which was such a hoot that we are still laughing about it 3 months later (Dad was in on it too, and I have pictures LOLOLOL)


Wife:

It is clear now, after all their children have flown the coop that my parents are more in love now than they were when we were growing up. It is so refreshing (and frustrating looking at current relationships) how my parents just couldn’t live without each other. Sitting around with both of them in our home compound, seeing them worrying and caring about each other, sitting together making small talk, how different it is to when we were growing up. I have spoken to my mum and while she tells me about patience and understanding, she tells me that life hasn’t been that easy for her in regards to my dad (who is as stubborn as I am) and she tells us that just because us kids never witnessed any fights or arguments between them, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen – it was just kept behind closed bedroom doors. I admire that, and I hope to do the same once I am in the same position.

 

So class what do we learn from today’s lesson: (Keguro, you do the marking)

Perfection doesn’t exist, not even in one’s parents. But, when we grow up and we reflect how we were and how things were, we realise how lucky we were/are. There are so many people who have told us how lucky we are to have a mum like ours, how lucky we are to have a mum at all. How they would have given anything to have grown up in a family like ours – united, loving, free, fair, giving… and we may have just shrugged and hoped we were adopted (yes, we did, especially after realising that we weren’t collected from the ditch or picked from a tree :( )

I always say that if I am half the woman my mother is, I will be deliriously happy. I cant promise to lead the church for decades, collect stray people/animals, feed and clothe all disadvantaged people, educate the illiterate, care for the sick, dress all my dead friends in the mortuary and inherit their children, bring up morally upright kids and correct those that I can from the rest of the gene pool, be a role model to all and sundry, be a good mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend etc, stay married to the same man, happily and patiently, for 39yrs, have my life sprayed out on a dodgy blog by my wayward daughter, worry about my last three daughters living in far away lands and being all ‘foreigners’ and stuff, be a great cook –

but I can testify to this…

I may not be all that my mother is,

or will be…

But as the great ‘Man’ once said (to me anyway)

I will never stop trying

A poem, in praise of Mshairi (and every woman), I found it online and ought to share:

Woman, you’re hard to ignore
You’re a wife, you’re a mother
And so much more.

You’re a leader in business
A doctor of note
A top entertainer
A vision of hope.

You’re all you envisioned
You’ve captured the dreams
That carried you forward
From tomboy to queen.

You inspire in others
The best they can be
That’s why you’re a special

Woman to me.

Shamelessly copied here

Passion

Perfect date…

Another long post :D – you all know about either taking the stairs (and resting in between) or the lift (yes, I know its the elevator :D

 

Most times, when you are going on a date with someone for the first time, there are butterflies, indecision, expectations, and all other stuff that may make the experience either really good, or really really bad. Maybe you overdo it, or understate it, go to an expensive place, which is outside your comfort zone, and then spend the whole time worrying about whether you fit in. Go to a place that is too far away, and spend most of the time wondering whether you will get the transport back home. Wear your really expensive dress or shoes and he comes dressed casually, without making an effort, and you feel disappointed. You go to a really cheap place, and the food is ghastly, or the service poor or non-existent – and as us girls are wont to think, well, he doesn’t really rate you that high so you either think he is a cheapskate or not worth the effort.

Then there is the issue of who picks the tab – most women will say that it’s customary for the man to pay for you. Personally, it doesn’t matter. If I asked you out I expect to pay for it, unless you insist on paying. We have all heard horror stories of going to an expensive restaurant, choosing the most costly item on the menu even if you would not normally eat that, then finding out that your man cannot foot the bill, and you, silly cow, came without a penny to your name.

A perfect date for me doesn’t necessarily involve any expense at all. Expensive restaurants don’t impress me – a picnic, a walk, sitting in a café sipping a latté with music in the background talking is my ultimate. For me a date is talking – I would never date anyone that I wouldn’t spend hours talking to – I don’t care who or what you are. The whole point of dating is getting to know one another, right? Going for a movie on a first date is pointless in that regard.

Take for instance this one time I had to go on a date – it wasn’t really a date more like a lunch with a friend. One of those ‘friends’ who you kinda like, and you know they like you back, but you aren’t sure which direction the date will take – you either remain friends if you don’t ‘click’ on that other level, or you become more than just friends.

It was more a spontaneous date, not a prearranged thing, so I didn’t have to stress over anything. I dressed to impress (lol the legs were out in force) and it helps that it was a very hot day so it was an excuse to show off my best assets. He chose the restaurant, and when I met him outside I put on my ‘Guessaurus’ face, you know, not fazed, quite happy and friendly – whereas inside I had a few butterflies doing somersaults. We sat outside and had a lovely lunch and the coldest orange juice ever.

That wasn’t what was impressive – it was the conversation. I know I can talk for England and Wales, and I can talk about anything and everything (even what I don’t know about, I wing it) but I had met my match. We talked, and talked, and talked – our waitress went off duty and she introduced her replacement – we talked. It was very easy conversation, with a very easy person to get along with. There was no pretext, no trying to impress, no uncomfortable silences, and no sexual undertone. Just basic human interaction. But that was the most beautiful thing about that date. I don’t think I have ever felt that easy being with someone as I did then. Seven hours later when the restaurant was closing (yes, they had even done the cleaning), we were chucked out. I wasn’t ready to leave and neither was he, but it was getting late and we had homes to go to.

Also, another thing that impressed me was that I am aware that I am a very beautiful woman – (said with a straight face) and that elicits either one of these reactions from men:

– they hit on me
– they write me off as a snob who wouldn’t give them the time of day without even getting to know me
… add that to the fact that I have a modicum of intelligence, I am a genuinely nice person, and have no airs or graces leads most men to the conclusion that I am unattainable. So it seems I scare people off *shakes heads pointing at self* You talking to me?

My date was the perfect gentleman – he was natural (of course, I couldn’t read his mind – I was informed otherwise later). He also didn’t seem fazed by me or threatened – he did give me a hug before he put me in a taxi – which was pretty nice. Then when I got home and texted him to say I was home safe, he texted back – and the texts continued. None of that malarkey of ‘waiting 3 days’ to call, none of those guy rules that seem to cripple potential ‘good things’. I also saw him the next day and the day after that. And a few days later…. ….

I was later informed that he was very impressed with me, and that he thought at first that I was going to be a snob but was pleasantly surprised when he found out what kind of a person I am.

Now, I know most people place dates (especially initial ones) on impressing people with their intelligence, wealth, coolness, cars, clothes or whatever it is that you think might get you another date. My advice:

 

To the girls:

Be yourself – trying to be someone else will only backfire on you when you have to show your true face a couple of days/weeks/months down the road
Be prepared – just because you have been asked out on a date, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to fork out some money – always leave home with at least the minimum amount of money you are willing and able to spend – and that means meal, transport, drinks etc. Emergencies and accidents happen. It’s the 21st century. Don’t ask to be treated equal while you don’t treat yourself as an equal.
Be reasonable – women trip themselves up when they think that doing the most expensive thing (be it meal, wine, place etc) shows that you have class. No it doesn’t. If it isn’t what you are normally accustomed to, then you are showing yourself up. Or you are a gold digger.
Listen – yes, you may have been asked for the date, but that doesn’t give you carte blanche to talk endlessly about yourself. A date is between two people, not just you. Talk to your girlfriends or yourself in your own time.
Learn – it’s a date for crying out loud. You are expected to learn about the man (or woman) you want to date. Listen as much as you speak.
Be courteous – respect the person you are with, understand their situation and use appropriate language to show this. Different people means different understandings and that means that insulting behaviour or language is out
Behave – Don’t spend the whole time talking to your friends on the phone, don’t go giving your number to other ‘potential’ dates, don’t insult your dates intelligence, or lack thereof. If you are uncomfortable for whatever reason cut the date short, give your excuses and leave. Don’t use your displeasure to engage in unacceptable etiquette – do that in your own time.
Be a lady – don’t give us all a bad name. We already have that hanging over us without your input.

To the boys

Be comfortable – trying too will only hamper your chances of getting to know one another, and you will have more things to concentrate on than your date. We dont bite you know, so dont look so scared.
Be price wise – spending a whole load of money is not the way to impress a date (not me anyway). If a woman is interested in you for you, she won’t care when/if you empty your wallet on the date.
Be interested – try to find out what your date likes that you like too, and do that for the day. If you go to a place that you both would rather not be, but are too ‘cool’ to admit, then you are not going to enjoy yourselves and might not get a second chance.
Listen – woman love to talk about themselves. Act interested even if you would rather be listening to a rat scratching the wall in your bedroom – and you should be listening to her, not ogling her cleavage.
And while on talk, dont pretend to be listening while your eyes are following that hottie over there’s bottom – its insulting.
Be courteous – trying to paw the woman, or wanting a kiss especially if the woman hasn’t given you a hint that she wants one will be nil points on your sorry self.
Be impressive – no woman wants to think that she is going on a date with a bum. Clean up your act, better still clean up yourself. Make the effort, the best that you can – but don’t try too hard. A pimp outfit is so out of question, and so is a wife-beater, and make-up, and excessive bling – unless that is what she goes for.
Be ‘not’ too impressive – no, I don’t want to hear about 7 houses, two Ferraris, a yacht and a Gulfstream (oh yes I do, the Gulfstream that is) – trying to big yourself up may (yes, may) not earn you brownie points. I want to know that I will be the main focus of your attention (although I might be more interested in the Gulfstream LOL) unless of course you are taking a gold digger for a date.
Be on time – this is just for me. I have no patience, and zero time consciousness – hence me being late to/for everything. Women don’t like being kept waiting.
Be alone – don’t bring your boys, and no, you cant have them in the same establishment as a back-up plan, or to check out your date and text you their rating. That will definitely keep you single for the next couple of millennia
Be interesting – unless your date digs football, Superbowl (those two are different, trust me) cars, scratching their asses, porn etc, those are no-go topics. If you know nothing about what your date likes, just stay in neutral territory – ok, I don’t know what that means, but that is just me; do some research, or just talk about the weather

To both of you

Try to impress – money, class or lack thereof, clothes etc play a big part, but they are not necessarily the frame of reference. Simplicity works (for me anyway)
Try not to dwell too much on your ex’s – they have the ex (pired) factor for a reason – keep it short, sweet.
Try not to sound desperate – no one likes to be mother, father or whatever figure to a date – you will fare better if you sound balanced
Try not to spend the date on your phone – not only is it distracting, it is annoying, shows you aren’t really ‘here’, and will throw you out the door faster than the fire alarm.
Try to live by your means – don’t go to a place that you can barely afford to make an impression. First dates count for something, it’s a ‘start as you mean to go on’ thing. Don’t start, unless you mean to go on in the same breadth.
Try to find a neutral ground – if you get to go to either party’s place, chances are they have the upper hand, and will try to manipulate the situation to their advantage. A neutral place means that both of you can relax and concentrate on the matter at hand without distractions from other people and responsibilities.
Talk – there is nothing as boring as an empty debe (Mental, I am aware that they make the most noise) – a person who cannot hold a coversation, has no ideas of their own, has no opinion on anything, might as well lie down and die. Find something to talk about (no, porn wont do) :D

Disclaimer: The thoughts on this are just mine but if you want to throw stones, I can direct you to a suitable stonee – no harm in friendly fire

Please share your tips as well as horror dates – it will make interesting reading

Passion, Phew

P.I.M.P

I am feeling generous – first because all you lot are a bit ‘miffed’ that I spent my birthday weekend in gay Paris, and second, coz it’s the love season and seeing as for most of us the whole valentine vibe is lost on us (or because we didn’t have anyone special to spend it with so we just slag it off – lol.)

So what to do?

Us women are known to cry ‘there are no good men around’ every time we hit a dry patch. And trust me I have been there. But, I also know a sackful of single guys out there that are ‘really good men’ who cant really find a ‘good woman’ to hook up with – or are just cruising around taking their time.

And seeing as I am being generous, I decided to give you girls a heads-up on them – do the hard work and let you walk in there preening yourselves and see if you get lucky..

I will restrict this one to the KBW guys that I ‘know’ – seeing as that can either be disputed or accepted – and any other guys would be just my opinion which cannot be collaborated.. Oh and its only the guys that I ‘know’ to be single.

Dudes, please correct me if I am wrong on this one.

So let the pimping begin…

In no particular order:

Mental Acrobatics:

Age: 27

Residence: Manchester, England – (although known to hang around strange Arabic airports for a couple of days in transit). Available in Kenya a couple of times a year.

Supports Football Club
: Liverpool FC (will likely not come to a date with you if they are playing, but if you happen to be a supporter, he is quite happy to explain the ‘offside rule’)

Other Interests: Rugby, comedy, jazz, geekery, ‘dropping it like it’s hot’, insomnia

Why would you want to date him?

He is the sweetest guy you will ever meet. Generous, kind, funny, fun to be with. Will call you when he says he will (not in the ‘waiting 3 days to call’ brigade), will check on you once in a while to see if you are ok. Intelligent, helpful, a bit on the geeky side (kiss). Likes comedy and jazz, movies and cooking. Will get you pirate copies of 24 season 5 if you are nice. Romantic and values women and their opinion. Quite handy when you want to do those ‘hour long’ phone calls. A great friend.

Nicholas Gichu

Age: 27

Residence: Nairobi (and Nyeri on Mondays) Kenya

Supports Football Club: More movie than footie (dangerously averse to any sort of sport, watching or participating)

Other Interests: TV Watching, ..er… tv, music, pranks and gathering sleeze on other people.

Why would you want to date him?

Apart from being the Brad Pitt (who?) of KBW, he is also a pretty sweet guy. To catch his interest you have to buy a couple of crates of Fanta orange, have lots of interest in movies, not be afraid to go to the dentists and generally be ready to gossip. I also reckon this pretty boy is a mummy’s boy – so do us all ladies a favour and yank him out of there – otherwise we will never hear of Nick juniors this side of the century. He might insist that your dates are to movies and Tea Rooms, but you will never run out of conversation.

Milo

Age: Between 28-30

Residence: Somewhere in SA (regularly seen in Kenya)

Football Club: Arsenal

Other Interests: (you mean apart from mentioning his unmentionables?) Playing pool – (more like playing with words about pool players), writing pretty funny accounts ( :D no offence doo!) of everyday things.

Why would you want to date him?

Recently single, you might help him forget his woes (more like woi woi woi’s) and put a smile back on that face. Also, he is a pretty cool dude too, a royal friend and an intelligent guy. I (by vote) seem to have a huge crush on the man, so you should expect some stiff competition for his affections (and other things that I won’t mention). Killer sense of humour and a loonie to boot. Love him

Msanii

Age: Between 28-30

Residence: Maryland (or thereabouts) USA

Supports Football Club: Everton (who?)

Other Interests: Music, more music, clubbing, cooking and basketball (more like basket case, Loonie)

Why would you want to date him?

He is a pretty sweet guy, very romantic and no one would complain about being encompassed in that bear chest – pretty much the teddy bear of KBW. While he is cooing down the phone at you, you are likely to be serenaded with cool African beats, and get loads of music for free. I have a soft spot for this cool dude so don’t you go taking him far away from me.

>

Age: Between 28-30

Residence: Virginia – USA

Supports Football Club
: Don’t know (probably none)

Interests: Driving, high speeds, checking out women ( :D I am dead), hanging out with a certain little man :)

Why would you want to date him?

I don’t know, seriously.. ;)
He is a pretty cool dude too – hardworking, good conversation, looks good too. A killer sense of humour and a down to earth (more like stuck knee-high in manure, (did I mention that I am dead?) personality. Definitely knows how to have a good time and will make you feel like a princess (trying to back-track, I know).

Acolyte: (What, you don’t believe me?)

Age: Between 26-28

Residence: Somewhere in the forest of rural Georgia, USA

Supports Football Club: Liverpool FC

Other Interests: Going to the gym to buff up, hanging out campus cafés, reading going clubbing and instigating.

Why would you want to date him?

There will never be a shortage of conversation, he might be slagging off one person or other, but it sure will be interesting. Quite intelligent and has a sweet side which he does his best to hide, but he is only fooling hisself in that respect coz I got you pegged Acolyte. Quite liberal too, so you wont be classed in a specific box with him, but you might just have to compete with his daily blogging and numerous martial arts skills.

I am an equal opportunities pimp, and so I also have, last but by no means least, something for the boys too (girls, you have to stay away from him, he is mine, all mine)

Keguro

Age: Ageless (no, I dont mean as in fossil, more like remains the young man he is for the rest of his life)

Residence: Somewhere in a University town (I think) the good old US of A

Supports Football Club: (Ha, what?) All, just to watch out for the buff young men in there :D

Other Interests: (more like interested): Poetry, writing, romantic walks holding hands

Why would you want to date him?

I actually put this one in for me, I don’t want anyone else to have him – but if you must, then he is the absolutely gorgeous, poetic, literal man of KBW. A love stream that will keep on seeping and seeping that juice down you till you have had your fill, and still go on (shame on you all, don’t even give me that innocent look, like you don’t know). This man is absolutely gorgeous, absolutely intelligent, absolutely funny, deep, very deep (yes, yes!) – if you find me one of these in the straight category, I propose you DHL him to me with no questions asked.

There are other good men out there that I am not sure aren’t taken, but will list them here for future reference – you know, in case their status change, then you can grab one and head for the hills..

Akiey: the gem of KBW – one of the sweetest, coolest, most sincere person if I ever met one.

Adrian: very cool, genuinely nice guy. The more I know about him, the more I like him.

Whispering Inn: Weeeeell, hmm, I would be a tad wary of this one, but he is a cool customer.

That will be all for today ladies and gentlemen, I have to go sigh into my keyboard and ask why they all seem like a million miles away. The pimp session is still open, so feel free to submit your profile.

Now, what to do eh?

Ladies (and gentlemen), grab one name, find the dude, state your case (and vitals, mind) and generally go for it.

Do not say I never did anything for you!

I pimp, in every A.rear.code :D

Note of the day: Kanye West stated that GW doesnt like black people. But, in his performance in the Brits (watched it tonight) the only Black people were his two back-up singers… I am sure there are black violin players, black models/dancers etc. Kettle, Black? (pun intended)

Note 2: RIP Lynden David Hall