(Full gutter mode, come on, engage brain, lie in the gutter with me )
Following Acolyte’s post on the Kenyan press getting back into the sex tales biz, I thought I would write something similar, but different. You know, about Sex AND Women . Moreso the attitute towards sex by women, for women.
I have had it up to here *lifts arms way up* with society and sex, and moreso the depiction that sex is a ‘man’s’ prerogative and the woman is subjugative (had to rhyme, give me a minute here), she is there to give, give, give. I read today in the paper that the government here (UK) is going to start a £500,000 campaign to inform men that they should be absolutely sure of consent before they have sex with a woman. Oh and rapists are going to have their sentences lowered by 15% (A ‘WTF? moment right there)
That is not what riled me – it is the notion that sex is for man to receive and woman to give.
We of African origins (mostly) know that women were and still are circumcised to numb the sexual desire and enjoyment? Why? So that they may not have sex before marriage, stray or enjoy sex.
What utter load of crap is that?
Women are taught to be careful of how they dress, how much they drink, how they talk to men, where they venture after specific hours, which men they let into their homes or go home with etc so that they are not raped. We are told that it is our responsibility to ensure that we don’t get raped, sexually assaulted etc. Who does this? The little green alien from space, the fox that you saw digging in your bin in the back garden, the squirrel in the tree?
Don’t be stupid!
(I am aware that men are also raped, both by other men and sometimes by women, but that is not what we are talking about, so don’t rush to comment on it)
As an African woman, we are taught that being sexually assertive is not ‘ladylike’ and should wait for the man to make the first move, should not have sex (if at all, until we die) before marriage, and should be married to that one man, and even if he dies before you consummate the marriage, you should never, ever, envisage having sex with anyone else.
Once again I say, bollocks (pardon the pun)
We all know that the more women a man has slept with, the more of a stud he is, and the reverse is scoffed at. No man wants to marry a woman who may have, at some stage in her 20+years of existence entertained another man near her – and worse still had sex with one. Which self-respecting man wants to be married to a woman who has slept with someone else before him?
We are conditioned to view sex as something bad, something immoral only to be experienced after marriage – and during marriage as a duty. A chore. Something that has to be done not because you enjoy it, but because it is the duty of a woman to fulfil her man’s desire. We are told the Bible said, so it is. We are taught about sex in school, but we aren’t supposed to experience it, just know about it. Like studying chemistry in school where you learn how to mix chemicals that blow up, but you aren’t allowed to join Al Qaida and blow your damn self up with that knowledge – well, unless you first convert, that is.
While we are still singing from the same hymnbook, why don’t I ask a few questions to my esteemed congregation?
Is there a different ‘Bible’ that men learn from while they learn about sex?
I am aware that the sexual cycle of both men and women is different – it has something to do with hormones, someone said – but I think they were talking to the person sitting next to me so I didn’t take notes.
I am increasingly and incessantly tired of advertisements that are supposed to target all demographics but are packaged either with sexual connotation, or outright sexual images (sometimes actual naked women) – who are these targeted for? Women? Tell me how a mobile phone held by a completely naked woman is targeting me? What in the world would I see in a blonde blue eyed naked woman? Would she convince me to buy the phone? What has her nakedness got to do with the marketability and usability of the phone? Would I tell my child that ‘Hey Ted, look at this phone (since you cannot even tell they are advertising the phone coz its small, held in the hands of said woman who fills the advertising space), this is what dad will get you for your birthday” – I am sure he would turn around and ask me: ‘What phone?’ maybe thinking the blonde is what he will get?
What were we talking about again?
Now I remember: The idea that sex is a man’s domain, and the woman is just the tool (I prefer receptacle, but that is a bit too much for me on a Monday) for said act.
Are we supposed to think that men are this walking talking bundle of sex hormones that do not think, do, or want anything else but sex? (Don’t answer that Whispering Inn).
As women, are we quite happy to be still viewed as sex objects, to sit around preening all sexily waiting to be picked out of a line-up – like some mannequin, turned into a receptacle (ok it is the evening, indulge me)?
As men, are you that shallow? Are you happy for the rest of the world (women, mainly) – especially represented by your own kind, to think of you as so shallow. That you think with your unmentionables and cannot relate to anything that isn’t packaged in a sexual way. Are you happy for the society to view you as such dangerous, lethal weapons that can control the world, but cannot control your animal urges? Is the sexual urge in the male so strong that all reason flies out of the window, and your flies?
Do not even get me started on porn (yes, I said porn) – if you know of a porn movie that concentrates on the woman and her enjoyment, please please, send that to me (I promise to watch it with a diplomatic, critical eye and give you feedback ) – its all about the man, or men – the woman is just there to… er… aid in the journey until they get here ( I am trying, I swear I am)
I am completely baffled by all those excuses for infidelity that men give (yes, I am aware that women cheat too) ranging from:
She doesn’t satisfy me in bed:
Something tells me more often than not, your partner doesn’t get her orgasm and then turn around and start snoring, leaving you high and dry (seriously, it is Monday evening, allow me to snigger at this one) – if you aren’t satisfied, there is a very high chance that she didn’t even realise that the act had actually commenced. Having an orgasm for a woman is not a man’s priority, I’m sure.
She wouldn’t do to me the things that I would like done:
I read this in the Nation yesterday – that ‘I respect my wife and wouldn’t want her to do what the prostitutes do to/with me’ – Dude, you may respect your wife enough to go to prostitutes, but do you respect yourself? Seriously, what a child!
I doubt very much most ‘old-school’ men have ever turned around ‘once’ and asked their wives/girlfriends what they (women) would want sexually. Of course, I forgot; sex isn’t a woman’s domain, what the hell was I thinking?
She is always tired:
(Allow me to e-slap you)
Why is she always tired?
Could it be that she recently endured child-birth, or is about to?
Could it be because she spends all day running around after your kids, after you, making sure your lives are running smoothly, and the only time she has to herself is when that head hits the pillow, and before that wee one starts bawling in the middle of the night?
Could it be that she also has a fulltime job?
Could it be that you don’t even know what the ‘powerfoam’ in Omo is for?
Could it be that you think sex begins (and possibly ends before it began) at 1030pm in bed?
She has let herself go:
(Give me the other cheek)
(Read the above paragraph again)
Could it also be that she might not have time to enjoy the benefits of the company gym coz she is running home to make you dinner?
Might it be because she has low self-esteem because the last time you even noticed she existed was when you couldn’t find your other blue sock? The one you left in the prostitute’s bed (if you bothered to take them off in the first place)?
Might your physically and mentally abusing her and putting her down have caused the low self-esteem?
Have you actually looked at yourself lately? You may be having a sympathetic pregnancy, but you are slow coz the baby was born six months ago – hers, not yours!
Sex with her is not adventurous:
(Read the first few paragraphs of this post)
We all learn as we go along – and knowing what you want is one thing, keeping it to yourself is a completely mute idea. Unless you like the sort of stuff that would classify you as a sexual pervert, anything within reason can be learnt and experienced together. And though I am aware that some people are prudish in some respects (or even all), it takes two to tango. Marrying that virgin doesn’t seem like a very good idea now, does it?
She is not sexually experienced:
(Read previous paragraph)
You are not going to get any marks for citing that as a reason. Seriously did they not teach you about cakes – you know, how once you have eaten it you can’t still have it – unless you are bulimic and we don’t want to go into the mess that is? Well, you of the school of thought that a woman with a modicum of sexual experience is a ‘whore’ is the same one whining when you cant get that ‘thing’ the other woman does with your wife. She was a good girl, you said. A church girl. She didn’t sleep around so I thought she would make a good wife. Well, unless you were advertising for a ‘slave’ to your every whim, then sex is part of marriage, the last time I looked – and like all other things, can be learnt, on the job experience and all that. But, as with the ‘on the job’ bit,… oh forget it – if you haven’t figured out my point then I give up.
I need variety: (that age old, I cannot live on (insert basic food group here) alone:
Now that is a very selfish statement if I ever heard one. What about the woman? What makes you think that you are that good, that you need more than she is offering – and from different women at that? And what makes you sure that she is so satisfied with your game that she will never need any other lover?
Did I hear you that you are bored with the same thing over and over? Well, so is she. So is she! Probably so bored that she lies there knitting while you get your rocks off. Oh, why did you think she asks you halfway through what time it is, or whether you locked the doors? It is because she is bored stiff! With your act. This is where communication comes in, not infidelity. Spice up your sexual game, step up and be a man (whatever that means) and don’t cop out like all the other guys in your ‘boys network’ have done.
Men have a higher sex drive than women:
Now, this is a grey area for me – I am a woman, cannot speak for the other team! But, let me ask the all-important question – and don’t answer it either! When you of a higher sex drive have sex, do you have it with women or men? Would that be the same women that have a lower sex drive? Did you have to force yourself on them because they weren’t up to it because their libido was low? And don’t you dare get all high and mighty by saying something like: But if the missus isn’t up to it, I can get it from a different woman who is. That is a cop-out if I ever heard one.
What am I prattling on about?
I am not advocating for women to start sleeping around willy nilly (snigger away, why don’t you?) with every Tom, Dick (oh shut up) and Harry, but I am saying that those old societal expectations should be tied to a stone and thrown into a very deep hole (slap yourself upside the head if you are laughing at this). Your grandmother is your grandmother for a reason – leave it that way. Ignore the line of code in your head that says that enjoying sex is not ‘womanly’ or ladylike or something – and go out there and procreate (ok, don’t throw stones at me, the Bible has that line somewhere, stone Moses or somebody, or Joe). Sex is a beautiful thing that should be done over and over again, as many times as possible, and the more you do it , the better it becomes and the more you learn. Sex is one of those God given rights, no one, and I mean no one, including your grandmother or your Mother or your husband, should tell you that you are not being a ‘lady’ for enjoying it, if you can get it that is (the writer of this blog isn’t getting any, hence the aggro).
As women, we should have control of our bodies, and moreso our sexual health and enjoyment. Leaving that to a man, who doesn’t own the body and in most cases just wants to enjoy it, is juvenile in the least, especially if you are not enjoying your body with him. Using words like sexually shy shows you aren’t old enough or mature enough to enjoy sex. And no, I am not advocating going along with your man’s suggestions which you find degrading or demeaning or downright unacceptable just to prove you are sexually liberated. Just do what feels right to you, set your own boundaries, and don’t be bullied to doing stuff to ‘please’ or ‘keep’ your man. If he views you on how you sexually perform ‘for him’ then you are no better than a prostitute, both of you.
And that stuff about faking an orgasm – give me a break. Why would you want to do that? Oh I know, to please a man and reassure him that he did a good job, he is a stud, and the sex was good. If he didn’t do a good job, what makes you think it’s your responsibility to give excuses for him by faking it? If it wasn’t that good, it wasn’t that good. End of. Sex can be good with or without an orgasm – its how you do it that counts, if the means justifies the end, good, if not, well, try again later, or tomorrow, or not – just don’t fake it. I suppose the faking is more effort than the orgasm. I wouldn’t know, I don’t do it. If I didn’t come I didn’t come – the world is still revolving, and I can finish the job myself if it is that important that I get an orgasm every time I have sex, which it isn’t, unless I am DIY’ing, which is always good, so good that I have never failed to get lift-off. Can you imagine faking an orgasm while alone? That would be so funny, worthy of an Oscar – because guess what, who would you be fooling? You! You are fooling yourself to prove that you are that good?
Now that is funny!
Sex is a contact sport, and you woman, are in no way, shape or form, THE BALL (wrong analogy but by now you are aware of my wayward brain)